The Rules

Every woman knows "The Rules." Perhaps she has not memorized them or acted on them, but she knows what they are. "The Rules" are one of the most successful and controversial guides to dating. While most women who consider themselves, strong and independant laugh at the pathetic creatures who believe in such absolutes as "don't call him and rarely return his calls" or "don't stare at men or talk too much" because we all want to believe that men really want women who are smart, honest and most importantly: strong. Yet, on some level, we all know we have to play by "The Rules."

My frequent bar conversations with men reveal most of all my inability to play by the rules. I am patronizing to men I find unintelligent, dismissive to men I find cocky and most of all I won't give the ugly ones the time of day. On the rare occasion an abundance of alochol or lack of a date compels me to lower my standards, I have learned that to some extent "The Rules" are necessary. Last week a few guys were talking to my friends and I and asked what we were studying. My truthful response of "ethnic conflict" was met with awkward glances and the longest three seconds of silence imaginable until I was able to remedy the situation with a giggle. Apparently, "ethnic conflict" is too deep for bar conversation and now I simply respond that I study politics-- simple and non-threatening-- and maintain the giggle.

This strategy is not new. Having the opportunity to attend an elite university, I soon realized if I wanted to meet men outside of my own school I had to tell them I went to a school with a less rigourous academic reputation to avoid the silent seconds. While I would often speak with pride about my ex-boyfriend's academic accomplishments to my friends, I rarely hear my male friends discuss their girlfriends in the same way. It is not that all men do not want smart, substantive women-- many do-- but frankly, men are easily scared. We compete in a tough market. There are so many beautiful, accomplished single women competing for comparatively few men with requisite resumes and relationship values. There is a large cultural component to this: men want to settle down in their thirties, while more women in their twenties are looking for something more serious (dare I say, tick- tock). If you want to snag a man in the young twenty-something dating world you have to play it safe-- which often means playing dumb.

I am prepared to defend this against the inevitable slew of anecdotes from women who met a wonderful, caring, father of their children at a bar in Dupont Circle and she DID NOT have to be anyone but herself. My defense is that I do not know a single woman who can honestly say they have not toned down their accomplishments so as not to intimidate a man. Alternatively, I do not know a single woman who felt a man came off as too smart or accomplished for her. The dating scene requires caputuring his interest before his heart and unfortunately that includes playing up the physical and ditching the substance.

I want to end by being clear that this is not the way to have a substantive relationship. Of course if you meet someone and it is the real thing, they will get to know and love the real, intelligent, politically offense person that you are. Let's be honest though, ladies, we are not always looking for the father of our children-- and that cute guy shooting you a smile is more likely than not to give you the silent seconds if you can't muster up the giggle. Perhaps even today, for some occasions, "The Rules" were not made to be broken.

We're Just Not That Into You Lesson: Always be yourself. I write this and think about my past bar converstations that have not ended successfully, because I have done just that-- but still would not change a thing about my behaviour. I think it is important to point out these unfortunate double-standards but not important to live by them, rather to learn from them. You know what you want: if you just want to sleep with him, leave Hillary vs Obama for the office and bat those beautiful eyelashes, but if you want a guy whose worth your time-- buy him a drink and find out what the hell he thinks is wrong with Pakistan...