If You Want To Be My Lover

...You gotta get with my friends? Remember this line? Well, who knows what the Spice Girls were talking about-- but it raises an interesting question about how we see our lovers, friends and more interestingly our friends' lovers. I cannot count the amount of times I have listened to my friends complain about their significant other in a way that makes me want to scream 'why would you ever put up with this loser?' I see red flags where they see 'challenges' or worse 'bad habits.' Friends of mine have dated men with bad habits that range from making out with other girls to spending their meager salaries on weed. I wonder how all my friends developed the 'bad habit' of denial.

I often talk to my friends in relationships about the challenges of meeting a good man. They try to comfort me but it is hard for them to see past the great man in their life. The honest truth is, when I talk to my single friends we almost universally agree that we would never date any of our friends boyfriends. It is strange to think about people I am so compatible with dating people I cannot imagine being in a room with alone for more than thirty seconds without screaming. It is not always so drastic, but in almost every case I see things that I would never put up with and people that I would never want to sleep with. It is not as if all the great guys out there are taken, it is that all the girls who have taken guys think they are great.

I'm not talking here about disliking a 'jerk'. We all know the most important rule of friendship is never mention that you don't like the boyfriend. I broke this rule once six years ago and our friendship never fully recovered. I am talking about a guy who is a nice guy, but someone I would never dream of dating. I am talking about how I may envy the security of my friends' relationships but never the other person in the relationship. It perplexes me to see my friends with the men they choose.

So ladies with boyfriends relax. While you think he is a great catch, based on my conversations with countless single ladies, your friends do not. He may be a nice guy, a good guy for you, treat you well, etc. but we don't want him. Maybe that is why we are still single...

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