Maybe it's You

Recently I have had to re-learn certain truths. Growing up I was taught that honesty was the best policy, to respect strenghth of conviction and to speak my mind. Yet, the generation of women teaching me to be a strong, honest, bold individual were trying to compensate for previous generations' challenges for exihibiting any of these traits. The conserquence is a person who embodies these once well-respected ideals to the extent that they are no longer desirable qualities. While I venture on a, to this point, fruitless search to find a companion who can tolerate this newfound "flaw" it makes me wonder how much I need to give to get what I want.

While there is a value in honesty, strenghth and independence for young women of this generation it must be tempered. Of course, no one wants to hear they look like like a "lady of the evening" in thier knee high boots and spandex skirt, or that they seemingly gained ten pounds since last time you saw them. Obviously every situation demands a certain element of social conciousness and consideration for other's feelings. But what about other people's thoughts? This is where we strong, bold women fall into a difficult place. While jokes about topics like sex and a low cut top may be some of our idea of a night out, to others it represents a level of discomfort that challenges boundaries most people are not ready to break. The consequence is not the confrontation women like us want, it is a subtle gesture or whisper that forces us to remember that being bold bears the burden of subtle judgement.

If the challenge were how to deal with whispers and glances-- to each their own. Some of us appreciate forcing the person to embolden themselves and say it to our face, others of us laugh it off as an old-fashioned (non-fun) person-- but none of us can ignore it. Just when a night is getting fun, when the jokes are getting more frequent (as are typically the drinks...) we often find ourselves being inappropriate for being ourselves. While it is easy to laugh it off or call them out or even ignore it in the short term, the long term repercussions make me wonder if it is time to change-- or rather to return.

Another lesson I once learned is if it seems like it is everyone else, it is probably you. I wonder if I would be doing my daughter any favors in teaching her to not only value but embody honesty. I doubt I would be making her a desirable mate if I told her that she should always speak her mind and feel confident to be the person she wants to be and not the person everyone thinks she should be. My experience has shown me that despite my best efforts to view these aspects of my personaility as a strenghth, they are far from it. I think the more valued skill remains the ability to be well-behaved and reserved rather than bold and independent. I am living proof that when we overcompensate for the past we create a challenging future for those who embrace our lessons. Perhaps I will grow up and calm down. Perhaps there will be a time when I can join my male friends in a night of drinking and laughing to be respected as one of the group as opposed to one of the girls. Perhaps other people were learn to judge me on the basis of things I value rather than on the role I should be playing. Until then, I will be practicing apologizing, embracing the person I want to be requires offending people who see the person I should be.

Just Not That Into You Lesson: I obviously represent an extreme. Traits like honesty, individuality and boldness are valued in certain times and places. Unfortunately, some of us cannot be someone we are not even when it serves us to try. Some of us are just too consumed with who we are to ever see that other people are uncomfortable at best, offended in many cases and angry in others. It would be easy to raise someone to be more sensative to others, but often that is at the expense of honesty. It would be easy to teach someone to express their opinions, but it will cost them friendships and respect of those who disagree (in many cases). Perhaps we need to rethink what we value, or at least really think about whether it is worth going through life being made to feel guilty about being yourself.