I first heard about the book "He's Just Not That Into You" from the perennial source of relationship/life/love wisdom, Oprah Winfrey, while watching her show with three feminist, co-leaders of the campus reproductive rights group. Here was a feminist power trio of sorts listening, transfixed by the message of Greg Berhendt:
Greg: "Listen ladies, he's not calling you because he really doesn't like you that much. Get out there and find a new man... but don't call the new man because that could be alienating. Don't think about why he might not be into you either. You are perfect. All men suck and never call. (Buy the expanded version to get more details on this issue)..."
The message was clear -- I am smart, strong, and independent and thus, I deserve the best in a relationship partner. (Agreed.) However, I must hide these aggressive tendencies, never call or seek out a man first because this would drive men away. Even if I fully succeed to transform into the damsel Greg's been describing, I'll probably still fail to have a boyfriend because only two nice men exist and one is married to my sister and the other is gay. (Clearly fucked up logic.)
Sooooo.... I hated the book. I hated the message it sent women. But (tiny problem) I had never read it until three days ago, long after the seed for this blog had been planted and sprung. I read the book along with my boyfriend (well, he's almost finished) and both of us, as expected, felt stereotyped. Men are sex hungry! Women are intimacy whores! Okay, there's a layer of surface-level assumptions Greg makes that are patently ridiculous and don't apply to anyone who's not either a character on Sex in the City or a walking doormat.
However, I think bits and pieces of Greg's logic are useful, but not in the way he predicts. It's useful for women to think about why she might not be into a partner or vice versa because realistically, there are a lot people whom we might date, live with, work with, share an airplane aisle with and just might not be into. This is a mathematical certainty. What's not okay is for men or women to decide "hmm... I'm just not into it" and then completely abandon all sense of propriety and kindness and decide to treat someone else like the before-mentioned stepped on doormat. Greg's right, women (and men) should not settle for less than top-notch behavior in a partner, but the alternate argument is also true and a more logical starting point: people should treat each other with kindness and decency.. especially if they are dating!
This leads to other thoughts/ questions... Why are women buying these books anyway? What drives Greg's assumption that most men are assholes and most women are (or should be) passive boyfriend hunters? In reality, who makes the most relationship decisions? Looking forward to your thoughts, gentle readers...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Hey Greg, We're Just Not That Into You Either...
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This is a blog even I would participate in (even though I probably don't qualify) Married though I am, I can concieve of a reality in which I was single, or the inevitability that my daughters will face these issues. Third wave fem. has really put us all in a conflicting place. We're entitled (required?) to be sexy, allowed (expected?) to be assertive, and encouraged to be single, but still have all this backdrop noise reinforcing the demur, ask-me-out, put-out-on-the-third-date (no sooner or later) playbook as you say. What concerns me is that the madonna-whore dichotomy has simply been updated. The whore is now a character on sex and the city and the madona is an idiot suburbanite housewife (the way I get painted) or the needy girlfriend. We still have no room for real women. Women who make their choices loudly and live their lives unapologetically.
This is so much about women judging each other and judging themselves. I don't think very many men object to a woman buying dinner or calling first or being up front about sex. But regardless of what decisions we make, women judge themselves through they eyes of other women, second guess each choice against the spectrum of this dichotomy, and self-inflict wounds based on how they would judge themselves if they were a casual observer.
It's not all on your topic, but it is really upsetting.
Also a questions, if you are in a relationship, you are automatically not strong? That really pisses me off, as if finding companionship completely eliminates any power a woman has. That isn't right!
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