Better To Have Loved Than Lost?

This statement is unequivocally false. For those of you wise women out there who have delved into He's Just Not Into You, the inspiration in many ways for this conversation, you should know I was dating a guy who was definitely into me. That is, until he dumped me. After five years of dating, planning a future together, growing up together, he decided that our relationship had "run its course" (yes, my ex, award winning newspaper editor could only muster up a line right out of Laguna Beach to tell me our relationship was over). Consumed with devastation and anger, the last words I said to him were that I never wanted to speak to him again, and I have not spoken to him since.

The reason I have been able to cut someone so central to my life out of it is not because of some super-human strength, but because I've found a much better companion for myself. Yes, after days and weeks and months of resigning myself to the fact that no one would ever love me again and that I would die alone with my cat I finally started to get to know someone who I felt the same comfort that my ex-boyfriend had given to me. Everyone told me that the solution to this breakup was to find someone; they said that I would fly over to Ireland and meet a nice Irish boy to replace the boy I thought was the love of my life. Well, had they spent even five minutes in an Irish bar they would have known better. No, the person I have found for myself is myself, just a better version of her.

Too often, women reach out for someone to help them through life's difficulties. This is often a great thing. I have realized that when I felt completely alone, I had friends and family who were there at all hours of the day and night to comfort me. Yet, the problem was that as much as I loved them, they could not fill the void of the person who was always by my side. The solution, I realized, was not looking for someone else, but getting what I needed from me.

The problem with the way women are socialized is that it depends so much on other people. We always want to bring a friend shopping because no matter how much that orange blouse looked hot in the store, you are not putting it on in public until someone else tells you it clears the bar. We are driven as hell when it comes to the workplace and women have now exceeded men academically in many facets graduate and undergraduate education—but do not ask me to have a confrontation with my roommate about doing the dishes. The insecurity around social confrontation is a total contrast to our collective behavior when it comes to success. For the most part, the people pleasing and accommodation tendencies women have when dealing with others is a positive thing: creating strong relationships and social networks. But, the problem is when it starts to crumble, the driven, academically motivated, woman is overcome by a devastated dependant girl, lost without her boyfriend.

Men are overwhelmingly more successful at meshing these two worlds of success and relationships. Dare I say, we should learn from them? There are times in life when you have to be selfish, even when it comes to the people you love. Learning to be selfish is one of the hardest things I have had to do, but it was by far the most rewarding. It is hard, at first, to realize what you really want. Of course, it seems like you just want your old life back, your boyfriend back, the stability he offered back, etc. But really, it takes all of a couple of days to realize any reconciliation would never compensate for the decision to end the relationship. Then the challenge becomes, what do I really want? What is the next step? And no one else can tell you that.

My new companion is great. She loves art and culture and is not afraid to ask questions about things she doesn't understand. She is a better friend; making a more concerted effort to reach out to those who she loves and foster new relationships. She takes time to talk to her family and never misses an opportunity to travel. She watches daytime television and works out because she likes to, not because she has to. She can cook and clean and sometimes sleeps until noon without feeling guilty that she missed the day. Oh, and thanks to some help from her friends, she even gets dressed up to go out.

It is never better to have loved and lost, it is better to love and learn. Not learning in the sense of finding lessons in your old relationship. The facts are simple: we are over, so I can start something new. When it comes to breakups we need to learn to be into ourselves because the only way to truly move past the devastation of loss is to gain something that is not dependant on someone else. I know now, that I may never meet someone again, so to that end I have to fill the voids in my life. We can't be that into the past anymore. We have to take the lessons that make us so successful in most aspects of life and translate them to all aspects of life.

We're just not that into you lesson: When you get a bad grade in school, yelled at by your boss, etc you do better next time. While on some level we want to blame the teacher for hating us, the boss for being a sexist, etc. On some level we know it is something we have to fix. Take your relationship ending in the same stride. Yes, he is an asshole for dumping you. Yes there are a million reasons and justifications for wanting to call him and know WHY and HOW and WHY again. But ultimately, you have to fix yourself-- and you can.