My memories of Disney Princess films are an odd coupling of emotions: hope and disappointment. This is probably because the happy endings were always accompanied by my mother's warnings that these movies in no way represent real life—that to be happily ever after you need more than riding off into the sunset or a beautiful duet. My mother's warnings represent more than a problem with Disney Princesses but the challenges that our generation faces being raised by that of our mothers. We want to have substantive relationships where we are equals; comprised of substantive conversations, mutual respect and the freedom to pursue our lofty ambitions. But amidst the warnings that relying on a man is tantamount to the kiss of death, many of us still yearn for the kiss of true love as well.
It is hard to maintain our duel roles in modern society. As smart, successful women, we are expected to be above romance to avoid the mistakes that cost our mothers so dearly. While choosing to stay home with one's children is an admirable decision, choosing to submit oneself to complete dependence on another person is not. We have grown up with the horror stories of women who married out of college and found themselves thirty years later with nothing: no job, no man and no marketable skills. The belief that marriage is forever has been trumped by the remarkably high rates of divorce, and the result is a generation of women who, whatever their choices, are expected to have the ability to live on their own if circumstances change. Too many women from my mother’s generation learned this lesson the hard way and their efforts to protect us have not been in vain. More women than men are entering college and graduate school in America and slowly, but surely, the glass ceiling is shattering as women are simply more qualified and competitive than many of our male colleagues.
The problem is the princess factor. While we all admire successful women who have devoted their lives to their work, few of us want to become them. Most of young women are not only searching for success we are searching for romance. In short—we are trying to find prince charming.
The search for prince charming is accompanied by disappointment and guilt. Statistically, while many men will say they want a successful, intelligent woman—that does not extend to a woman whose success surpasses his own. Furthermore, the message of our mothers makes any search for pure romance seem silly and worse—pathetic. Society wants us to be as rational and practical when it comes to love as when we are studying or pursuing a career. The problem is, that is not what we want.
I still want to find prince charming. Perhaps not Cinderella’s version, but still—a romantic. Instead of a white horse, he will board 747 jets with me and we will travel the world. He will be dashingly handsome and smart—with a great sense of humor and preferably vote Republican (there is nothing sexier than passionate Republican men). He will like to dance and cook, since I can do neither well and most importantly—we will get married and live happily ever after.
Now, I don’t need Prince Charming to be happy, but I want to embrace the idea of him to satisfy my “girlish” fantasies. I am tired of hearing that successful women are “too smart” for princess fantasies, (as if intelligence has anything to do with being a Princess!) or that we, as women, should focus on what is important (career, education, success). These ideas are not mutually exclusive. As long as the quest for Prince Charming is coupled with a quest for oneself then we can do both! The important thing to remember is that the quest for true love and true happiness are not one and the same, but both worth the effort.
We’re Just Not That Into You Lesson: Women should not have to feel guilty about wanting to feel over the moon about the man they love (or will love). They should not have to feel like love is not practical or important because there are more valuable things to accomplish. Yet, it is also important that love be coupled with an element of independence. It is ok to want to find your prince, as long as you don’t need to find him (thanks Mom!). Chances are you will have to make compromises along the way, but those decisions are yours—and all valid. You might also have to make sacrifices on Prince Charming himself (perhaps I’ll give those liberal guys a chance-- if they can cook).
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Searching for Prince Charming
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3 comments:
Your prince charming votes republican? Really? So does mine at the moment. It's sort of disconcerting.
Right on, sistah! I totally agree with your description of the dichotomy that society asks of women (or that we ask of ourselves) to be simultaneously rational, autonomous career women and to be warm, nurturing family-makers and earth-mothers. And not only do I agree with you that we should – with no shame or guilt – indulge ourselves both of these extremes, I furthermore think we should also consciously allow ourselves the freedom to float along the spectrum of modernity and romance, realism and hopes for something transcendent.
I know that I personally drift from one day to the next from a PowerPointing, Outlook networking, business suit wearing Hillary-type to a girlgirlgirl who wants nothing more than to walk through the door at the end of the day to be greeted with a glass of wine and backrub and bubble bath – simultaneously plotting world domination and a white wedding. And that’s okay. I would rather read In Touch Weekly than the Economist, but I still want to complain about Hollywood’s portrayal of women and girls. And take on Hill-dwellers in political debates.
And I think every man and woman is on that spectrum. I have heard the statistic before that you mentioned, that men want a successful and intelligent woman – just so long as she doesn’t surpass him. In the same vein, though, I would bet that while most women hope for a successful career, that we also expect our husbands to provide the financial stability for our families – what if we want to quit our jobs for a couple of years after we have kids? What if we want to go back to school? Change careers? Work part-time and volunteer for an organization we’re passionate about? As women, I feel that these life choices are more accepted and supported by society than they are for men. And why should they be? Do women have the market cornered on the concept of work-life balance – why should it seems weird (albeit refreshing) for the Big Boss Man to leave work at 1:00 to be a “homeroom dad” for his kid’s 3rd grade Valentine’s day party? And why aren’t we, as a society, comfortable with the idea of a stay-at-home dad? (I’m not even sure if I, personally, am comfortable with the idea of a stay-at-home dad. My knee jerk reaction is: “I mean, get out and do something, already!” I’m working on that.)
I guess my point is that human beings are fluid. If a woman – or a man, for that matter – wants to hope for a prince charming, then that is her/his prerogative. Our hopes and dreams shouldn’t be confined by our dated concept of gender.
I'm impressed that your mom warned you about how unrealistic Disney movies are. For roughly two decades of my life, I was on a cloud pretending to be Cinderella waiting for prince charming...even thinking that prince charming may come disguised as a man that keeps me emotionally strained and psychologically bound, just as long as he swept me away and told me I was pretty every once in awhile.
My mom is still dreaming of the day I will get married and have children, but not just any children, girls...so she can curl their hair up in rollers and watch Cinderella with them (her favorite movie). She never fails to ask me, at least 3 or 4 times a year, when are you getting married? And at the same time, she hopes I will not give up the pursuit for an amazing career. So instead of a princess, I need to be Wonder Woman. Luckily, I am not too scarred by my prince charming turned---hmmm, I was trying to think of a scary male figure from fairy land and all I can think of is the wicked witch or the evil step-mother--and that would get me started on the evil, wicked, old woman who also happens to be single and ugly...the old maid.
I wish someone had warned me about how unrealistic fairy tales were. I couldn't even realize this on my own. It took a friend, not to tell me what to do, but to listen. I struggle with the desire to be beautiful and perfect looking and wanting an equally gorgeous man. And frankly, I find this sad and depressing. I hate admitting this, but it hinders my choices and actions. I'm angry at the standards for women. And I'm angry that I don't have the confidence I want in myself. And I don't think wearing a pink princess dress to the ball is going to help, which would be my mother's solution.
But I agree, that if a woman wants to be a princess, more power to her, I just hope the woman really feels it is not necessary to be happy or successful or beautiful. Who needs prince charming anyway, especially when there are amazing goddesses? And yes, even goddesses have men worth spending their lives with.
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