Dreading Debt

While few women living large in 2008 would trade our freedoms and successes for the relative simplicitiy of dating in the 1950s, there is a bit of nostalgia for a time when a great date was followed by the dreaded bill. In the early stages of dating there is an awkward power struggle between both people involved over who will pay. Decades ago when women rarely worked and if they did their salaries were certainly less than most men, the man footing the bill was not merely a matter of courtesy but a necessity. Now, women may still make less than men on average, but as women become more educated and thus more competitive for successful careers the man paying becomes less of a necessary gesture and more of an awkward standoff. The reason for the awkward feeling that accompanies a man buying dinner haunts many women is that at this point in our lives we are quite aware that you don't get something for nothing-- and if he is paying for my dinner, what is he expecting me to give him in return?

Of course not all men feel that paying for dinner makes their date indebted to them. As many of them have told me they were just "raised that way." Many of you out there are reading this and wondering how a woman who can play by the "rules" and resents stupid pick-up lines can then feel uncomfortable when a nice guy wants to pay for my dinner (no wonder she is still single, you say!). The truth is that in every respect of my life I expect to be treated as an equal. While I appreciate kindness and generosity-- including efforts to hold doors and give up seats on public transit--I cannot help but feel that in someone I am considering romantically, I want to be treated as an eqaul partner. Furthermore, there is no reason for me not to be treated as such.

I have heard of women living in expensive cities like New York, Washington DC, LA and Boston using online dating services as a way to get a free dinner. I have heard women talk candidly about how men should pay for the date because, well, "it is the right thing to do." Many men agree with this sentiment. They fully expect to pay for the date and when a woman inisits on paying it is percieved as immasculating rather than courteous.

Yet, the problem for me rests in the other-side of the payment. I have had many men in bars send drinks over to my table which almost always guilts me into walking over to thank them. I feel trapped in a conversation I would never be having had they not bought me something. Other guys take this further...after buying a few rounds of drinks they will be very forward with the fact that they expect a phone number at best or a bed for the night (in their dreams). The problem is the fact that they have been paying for me takes me down a notch. While normally a toxic glance or dismissive gesture would be effective in turning down the most persistent of men (I really am that good at being that mean) when I feel indebted to him, I just cannot muster the same (and sometimes necessary) rejection. For meals and dates the pattern is no different. Once a man has bought me something, I would feel like I needed to take him out again, or pay him back-- because that is how I was raised.

So for those of you ladies that can watch a man foot the bill without blinking-- I envy you and hate you. You are the reason that most men feel that they have to pay, thus putting me in a place where watching the waiter place the bill carefully in the center of the table and my advance to contribute looks aggressive. Where my desire to remain on eqaul footing and my overwhelming sense of guilt is at odds with your notion that a free meal is a romantic must. I feel sorry for men-- you cannot win. You offer to split with a girl who thinks you should pay or you offer to pay to a girl who thinks you should split and you look like a jerk. Yet, ladies, these men who are so willing to pay are well aware that there are many of us out there who will feel like we owe them something-- and they are not afraid to try and collect. I hope the meal is worth it :)

JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU LESSON: I think that there are a few ways to avoid this awkward scenerio. If you are one of the luckier ladies who is unphased by men paying for your dinner, procede as you would :) For those of you who feel ever so slightly uncomfortable with the concept I advise paying for drinks before or after or insisting on getting the next meal (unless you really never want to see the guy again, in which case, you were compensated for your time). Either way, it should never be expected that the guy pays for you, so get ready to reach for your wallets, even if it is just a reach...