Dreading Debt

While few women living large in 2008 would trade our freedoms and successes for the relative simplicitiy of dating in the 1950s, there is a bit of nostalgia for a time when a great date was followed by the dreaded bill. In the early stages of dating there is an awkward power struggle between both people involved over who will pay. Decades ago when women rarely worked and if they did their salaries were certainly less than most men, the man footing the bill was not merely a matter of courtesy but a necessity. Now, women may still make less than men on average, but as women become more educated and thus more competitive for successful careers the man paying becomes less of a necessary gesture and more of an awkward standoff. The reason for the awkward feeling that accompanies a man buying dinner haunts many women is that at this point in our lives we are quite aware that you don't get something for nothing-- and if he is paying for my dinner, what is he expecting me to give him in return?

Of course not all men feel that paying for dinner makes their date indebted to them. As many of them have told me they were just "raised that way." Many of you out there are reading this and wondering how a woman who can play by the "rules" and resents stupid pick-up lines can then feel uncomfortable when a nice guy wants to pay for my dinner (no wonder she is still single, you say!). The truth is that in every respect of my life I expect to be treated as an equal. While I appreciate kindness and generosity-- including efforts to hold doors and give up seats on public transit--I cannot help but feel that in someone I am considering romantically, I want to be treated as an eqaul partner. Furthermore, there is no reason for me not to be treated as such.

I have heard of women living in expensive cities like New York, Washington DC, LA and Boston using online dating services as a way to get a free dinner. I have heard women talk candidly about how men should pay for the date because, well, "it is the right thing to do." Many men agree with this sentiment. They fully expect to pay for the date and when a woman inisits on paying it is percieved as immasculating rather than courteous.

Yet, the problem for me rests in the other-side of the payment. I have had many men in bars send drinks over to my table which almost always guilts me into walking over to thank them. I feel trapped in a conversation I would never be having had they not bought me something. Other guys take this further...after buying a few rounds of drinks they will be very forward with the fact that they expect a phone number at best or a bed for the night (in their dreams). The problem is the fact that they have been paying for me takes me down a notch. While normally a toxic glance or dismissive gesture would be effective in turning down the most persistent of men (I really am that good at being that mean) when I feel indebted to him, I just cannot muster the same (and sometimes necessary) rejection. For meals and dates the pattern is no different. Once a man has bought me something, I would feel like I needed to take him out again, or pay him back-- because that is how I was raised.

So for those of you ladies that can watch a man foot the bill without blinking-- I envy you and hate you. You are the reason that most men feel that they have to pay, thus putting me in a place where watching the waiter place the bill carefully in the center of the table and my advance to contribute looks aggressive. Where my desire to remain on eqaul footing and my overwhelming sense of guilt is at odds with your notion that a free meal is a romantic must. I feel sorry for men-- you cannot win. You offer to split with a girl who thinks you should pay or you offer to pay to a girl who thinks you should split and you look like a jerk. Yet, ladies, these men who are so willing to pay are well aware that there are many of us out there who will feel like we owe them something-- and they are not afraid to try and collect. I hope the meal is worth it :)

JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU LESSON: I think that there are a few ways to avoid this awkward scenerio. If you are one of the luckier ladies who is unphased by men paying for your dinner, procede as you would :) For those of you who feel ever so slightly uncomfortable with the concept I advise paying for drinks before or after or insisting on getting the next meal (unless you really never want to see the guy again, in which case, you were compensated for your time). Either way, it should never be expected that the guy pays for you, so get ready to reach for your wallets, even if it is just a reach...

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On Being Mean to Strangers

I regret it now. I mean, I didn't really mean it at the time, but I still regret it now. Well, okay, I totally meant it at the time, I might even do it again if given the chance, but at least I have the capacity to understand why intimidating strange men to the point of tears is just simply not nice.

I have problems putting up with male bullshit. Come on, male readers, please write in and explain the seriously lame lines you use in public situations! I think what frustrates me, honestly, is the entirety of the constructed bullshit. (Sorry for the academese I'm transitioning from writing a paper.) I hate being in the social setting, being eyed like prey, and then pounced upon, usually by men who seem to be largely unable to come up with better lines than "You're pretty hot." or "I'm giving out free mammograms...." The worst line ever? How about "See that girl over there? I used to think she was the hottest girl in here, but after watching you sing Madonna, I'm pretty sure it's you." (That's paraphrased, but it was still pretty silly, especially considering the man in question could definitely have been a member of AARP.)

Like Athena's recent post, the problem lies not in the lack of nice guys, but in the way nice guys express themselves socially. Less likely to "buy the pretty lady a drink" and more likely to sit quietly, not wanting to offend. At least I assume so. What's the solution? Should we use our own conversation starters on the cute guys we see in these so-called constructed settings? I bet I could come up with something A LOT better than what I usually get. And, come to think of it, prior to my enforced social prison sentence (read: graduate school) I think I used to introduce myself to seemingly nice men all the time. Although, to be honest, I have romanticized my blissfully free year off to the point of not remembering the details all that well...

We're just not that into you lesson: Girls, we can do it better; make conversation with nice guys, that is. Stop letting that douchebag in the bar steal your time away just because he's brave enough to approach you first. Get out there and practice your own cheesy lines on seemingly nice strangers. And, if approached by douchbags, do not make them cry! That is just mean, although that might just be my own problem...

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I wanna dance with somebody

Girls we have all been there. You meet a great, accomplished guy in a bar. He is smart and witty, sipping a beer while his friends take body shots off three underage chicks at the bar. Then one of those songs come on-- you know the ones-- Journey "Don't Stop Believin", Britney with "Baby One More Time" and even this article title ballad, which perfectly states the situation: the song rocks and you want to dance with somebody. Yet, invariably the beer sipping, intelligent boy will respond unforigivingly: "I'm sorry, I don't dance." As remaining in one's seat during any of these songs is not only taboo, but impossible for the dancing inclined, you resort to one of his body-shot buddies who is more than happy to rock it out to "Baby Got Back."

The issue is not just the dancing it is the socialization of high achieving women compared to that of their male counterparts. In recent years men have maintained higher grades and SAT scores than women while failing to match involvement in academic extra-curricular activities. The statement is clear: if you are on mock trial, Model UN, debate, etc. as a guy in high school you are, well a loser. The guys who play sports (or play women) are getting to rock the party scene while those who choose the more academic ventures are left to learn about women from porn and about social life from a few friends and an X-box. The problem with this is these guys grow up to be the men that we want-- the smart, hard-working, queit guys with jobs and ambition. But, well, they can't dance.

They can't party either. Or they party like its 1999-- as in when we fun-loving ladies were hitting up the high school scene (because we were IN high school, not because we are looking for a good time). The girls in my high school who were hard-working could party just as hard. The gifted classes were comprised of girls who dated the football players and won national merit scholarships. For girls the ability to be a party-loving dance machine and being an accomplished student is relatively easy. Girls are more concerned with other petty judgements (attractiveness, confidence, etc) that it is rare to find a young lady being teased for being smart by her female friends. Men are another story. The result is that when they try to party in their 20s which should be their prime (for the smart, solid men) they act like they are 16 and making up for lost time.

Thus, in a bar of young professionals we face a difficult choice: quiet and awkward or loud and wasted. While the choice may seem simple to many of you, there are still those of us who well, "just wanna have fun" and when we hear "Sweet Home Alabama" we want to be able to dance with someone who has the balanced social life that we maintain. The amount of smart, successful women I know who can throw back tequilla and sing kareoke with the best of them outnumbers the men I know with requisite accomplishments that will even take to the dance floor (or who can remain standing if they get there). Looking at women in high level degree programs, with competitve scholarships and good jobs, it is easy to see why there are so many all female tables at kareoke nights and happy hours: we wanna dance with somebody, so might as well be somebody who is like me. If I want to find someone that can debate Bush's Iraq policy and then sing Bon Jovi, I better stick the chicks. Because as is well known, even if you can talk the talk and walk the walk, if you can't dance you can't do nothing for me baby.

Just not into you lesson: It is hard to date someone who is not fun. Let's face it though, we have to. My ex was a wonderful guy but he would rather die than sing kareoke and thought the bar scene was the 11th plague. You can make these relationships work by hanging out with your girl friends or the rare guy who achieves this balance of smart/fun (although if you find him you might want to dump Sober Steve...there are a million of them to the well balanced male). It is hard though to face the realities of being raised in different worlds forcing sacrifices in either my social life or intellectual interest. Being picky has its issues too, but I think that a guy who can belt "ain't to proud to beg" is "born to be my baby"

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Maybe it's You

Recently I have had to re-learn certain truths. Growing up I was taught that honesty was the best policy, to respect strenghth of conviction and to speak my mind. Yet, the generation of women teaching me to be a strong, honest, bold individual were trying to compensate for previous generations' challenges for exihibiting any of these traits. The conserquence is a person who embodies these once well-respected ideals to the extent that they are no longer desirable qualities. While I venture on a, to this point, fruitless search to find a companion who can tolerate this newfound "flaw" it makes me wonder how much I need to give to get what I want.

While there is a value in honesty, strenghth and independence for young women of this generation it must be tempered. Of course, no one wants to hear they look like like a "lady of the evening" in thier knee high boots and spandex skirt, or that they seemingly gained ten pounds since last time you saw them. Obviously every situation demands a certain element of social conciousness and consideration for other's feelings. But what about other people's thoughts? This is where we strong, bold women fall into a difficult place. While jokes about topics like sex and a low cut top may be some of our idea of a night out, to others it represents a level of discomfort that challenges boundaries most people are not ready to break. The consequence is not the confrontation women like us want, it is a subtle gesture or whisper that forces us to remember that being bold bears the burden of subtle judgement.

If the challenge were how to deal with whispers and glances-- to each their own. Some of us appreciate forcing the person to embolden themselves and say it to our face, others of us laugh it off as an old-fashioned (non-fun) person-- but none of us can ignore it. Just when a night is getting fun, when the jokes are getting more frequent (as are typically the drinks...) we often find ourselves being inappropriate for being ourselves. While it is easy to laugh it off or call them out or even ignore it in the short term, the long term repercussions make me wonder if it is time to change-- or rather to return.

Another lesson I once learned is if it seems like it is everyone else, it is probably you. I wonder if I would be doing my daughter any favors in teaching her to not only value but embody honesty. I doubt I would be making her a desirable mate if I told her that she should always speak her mind and feel confident to be the person she wants to be and not the person everyone thinks she should be. My experience has shown me that despite my best efforts to view these aspects of my personaility as a strenghth, they are far from it. I think the more valued skill remains the ability to be well-behaved and reserved rather than bold and independent. I am living proof that when we overcompensate for the past we create a challenging future for those who embrace our lessons. Perhaps I will grow up and calm down. Perhaps there will be a time when I can join my male friends in a night of drinking and laughing to be respected as one of the group as opposed to one of the girls. Perhaps other people were learn to judge me on the basis of things I value rather than on the role I should be playing. Until then, I will be practicing apologizing, embracing the person I want to be requires offending people who see the person I should be.

Just Not That Into You Lesson: I obviously represent an extreme. Traits like honesty, individuality and boldness are valued in certain times and places. Unfortunately, some of us cannot be someone we are not even when it serves us to try. Some of us are just too consumed with who we are to ever see that other people are uncomfortable at best, offended in many cases and angry in others. It would be easy to raise someone to be more sensative to others, but often that is at the expense of honesty. It would be easy to teach someone to express their opinions, but it will cost them friendships and respect of those who disagree (in many cases). Perhaps we need to rethink what we value, or at least really think about whether it is worth going through life being made to feel guilty about being yourself.

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One-upping the Spitzer Scandal

With a nearly unintelligible headline, Europe proves its supremacy on the powerful sex scandal.

Type rest of the post here

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Back At It

I apologize for the lack of posting in recent weeks. I have had things to say, but finals and spring breaks got the better of me. Now I'm back, and I want to talk about prostitution. Elliot Spitzer is a blatant hypocrite, an arrogant man, and a common example of what happens when power-hungry people get that which they crave. However, who's the real loser in this scenario? The call girl making $2500 an hour? Well probably, if we think about the long term consequences of selling your body in your twenties, but an argument can be made that people "sell" their bodies in many different ways. Cracking down on prostitution only further limits the options of those most degraded in society, the much more common "low class" prostitutes, making much much less than $2500 an hour. In the case of the high class hooker, if a woman armed with full information and full options still chooses to sell sex to the highest bidder in a situation that is safe, legal, and not likely to bring physical or emotional harm to either, is it then a victimless crime?

Sex workers and their counterparts in the pornography business present a quandary for feminists. On the one hand, if women are forced into prostitution because of their socioeconomic status then such work presents the ultimate debasement. In such a situation the best solution is to combat the social and economic conditions that force women into narrow choices and take away their agency and sexual power, placing it in the hands of violent pimps or johns. However, in the meantime, should women be punished for their activities as prostitutes, should the act of prostitution be criminalized? Sweden has come to the conclusion that selling sex is not a crime, but buying it is. Women aren't subject to prostitution, but their johns are. I think this makes a lot of sense, and the program has met with success.

In the end, I come down on the more second wavey- anti-prostitution side of things. Too few women have access to the idealized, legal scenario, and too many women might be tempted to opt for prostitution as a profession if it were glorified, legalized, and high-grossing. Factor in the huge problem of human trafficking, and we've got an even worse example of modern day slavery, serving the needs of rich, wealthy, white men like Spitzer. Let's keep prostitution illegal, but continue to crack down on the real problem: those who buy sex, those who sell other for sex, and the wider, institutionalized factors that force women into degraded situations in the first place.

Professional sex workers often identify themselves as feminists and assert their rights to their body in every capacity, even the capacity to sell it. This notion is deeply unsettling to the Western establishment.

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