A Scientific Formula for Love?

The New York Times says that scientists have discovered an algorithm to find out who's into you.

In a perfect combo of academic psychologists and online dating services, the experts are going high tech where before we had relied on hand written notes or flowers. Sites like eharmony claim to use this fool proof (although not peer reviewed or statistically significant) science to match you up with your one and only.... as long as you want to pay $60 per month and aren't gay.

Over 16 million Americans are dating online. That's out of the 92 million Americans 18 and over who are not married. (Which means, of course, those who are married AND online dating are not part of this sample.)

I know six or seven people who have used Match.com, an online dating company, and of these friends and acquaintances, at least one couple has gotten married! (But you know, they met on the internet....)

I think it's officially not weird to use an online dating service. Would I do it? Well, I just think the odds of finding someone I connect with would be abysmally low. A combination of high standards and a near certainty that no man I've ever dated seriously has had an online profile. (That I know of.) But I'm not ruling it out.

Has anyone gone on a date with someone they met online? We would love to hear your stories.

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Searching for Prince Charming

My memories of Disney Princess films are an odd coupling of emotions: hope and disappointment. This is probably because the happy endings were always accompanied by my mother's warnings that these movies in no way represent real life—that to be happily ever after you need more than riding off into the sunset or a beautiful duet. My mother's warnings represent more than a problem with Disney Princesses but the challenges that our generation faces being raised by that of our mothers. We want to have substantive relationships where we are equals; comprised of substantive conversations, mutual respect and the freedom to pursue our lofty ambitions. But amidst the warnings that relying on a man is tantamount to the kiss of death, many of us still yearn for the kiss of true love as well.

It is hard to maintain our duel roles in modern society. As smart, successful women, we are expected to be above romance to avoid the mistakes that cost our mothers so dearly. While choosing to stay home with one's children is an admirable decision, choosing to submit oneself to complete dependence on another person is not. We have grown up with the horror stories of women who married out of college and found themselves thirty years later with nothing: no job, no man and no marketable skills. The belief that marriage is forever has been trumped by the remarkably high rates of divorce, and the result is a generation of women who, whatever their choices, are expected to have the ability to live on their own if circumstances change. Too many women from my mother’s generation learned this lesson the hard way and their efforts to protect us have not been in vain. More women than men are entering college and graduate school in America and slowly, but surely, the glass ceiling is shattering as women are simply more qualified and competitive than many of our male colleagues.

The problem is the princess factor. While we all admire successful women who have devoted their lives to their work, few of us want to become them. Most of young women are not only searching for success we are searching for romance. In short—we are trying to find prince charming.

The search for prince charming is accompanied by disappointment and guilt. Statistically, while many men will say they want a successful, intelligent woman—that does not extend to a woman whose success surpasses his own. Furthermore, the message of our mothers makes any search for pure romance seem silly and worse—pathetic. Society wants us to be as rational and practical when it comes to love as when we are studying or pursuing a career. The problem is, that is not what we want.

I still want to find prince charming. Perhaps not Cinderella’s version, but still—a romantic. Instead of a white horse, he will board 747 jets with me and we will travel the world. He will be dashingly handsome and smart—with a great sense of humor and preferably vote Republican (there is nothing sexier than passionate Republican men). He will like to dance and cook, since I can do neither well and most importantly—we will get married and live happily ever after.

Now, I don’t need Prince Charming to be happy, but I want to embrace the idea of him to satisfy my “girlish” fantasies. I am tired of hearing that successful women are “too smart” for princess fantasies, (as if intelligence has anything to do with being a Princess!) or that we, as women, should focus on what is important (career, education, success). These ideas are not mutually exclusive. As long as the quest for Prince Charming is coupled with a quest for oneself then we can do both! The important thing to remember is that the quest for true love and true happiness are not one and the same, but both worth the effort.

We’re Just Not That Into You Lesson: Women should not have to feel guilty about wanting to feel over the moon about the man they love (or will love). They should not have to feel like love is not practical or important because there are more valuable things to accomplish. Yet, it is also important that love be coupled with an element of independence. It is ok to want to find your prince, as long as you don’t need to find him (thanks Mom!). Chances are you will have to make compromises along the way, but those decisions are yours—and all valid. You might also have to make sacrifices on Prince Charming himself (perhaps I’ll give those liberal guys a chance-- if they can cook).

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Hey Greg, We're Just Not That Into You Either...

I first heard about the book "He's Just Not That Into You" from the perennial source of relationship/life/love wisdom, Oprah Winfrey, while watching her show with three feminist, co-leaders of the campus reproductive rights group. Here was a feminist power trio of sorts listening, transfixed by the message of Greg Berhendt:

Greg: "Listen ladies, he's not calling you because he really doesn't like you that much. Get out there and find a new man... but don't call the new man because that could be alienating. Don't think about why he might not be into you either. You are perfect. All men suck and never call. (Buy the expanded version to get more details on this issue)..."

The message was clear -- I am smart, strong, and independent and thus, I deserve the best in a relationship partner. (Agreed.) However, I must hide these aggressive tendencies, never call or seek out a man first because this would drive men away. Even if I fully succeed to transform into the damsel Greg's been describing, I'll probably still fail to have a boyfriend because only two nice men exist and one is married to my sister and the other is gay. (Clearly fucked up logic.)

Sooooo.... I hated the book. I hated the message it sent women. But (tiny problem) I had never read it until three days ago, long after the seed for this blog had been planted and sprung. I read the book along with my boyfriend (well, he's almost finished) and both of us, as expected, felt stereotyped. Men are sex hungry! Women are intimacy whores! Okay, there's a layer of surface-level assumptions Greg makes that are patently ridiculous and don't apply to anyone who's not either a character on Sex in the City or a walking doormat.

However, I think bits and pieces of Greg's logic are useful, but not in the way he predicts. It's useful for women to think about why she might not be into a partner or vice versa because realistically, there are a lot people whom we might date, live with, work with, share an airplane aisle with and just might not be into. This is a mathematical certainty. What's not okay is for men or women to decide "hmm... I'm just not into it" and then completely abandon all sense of propriety and kindness and decide to treat someone else like the before-mentioned stepped on doormat. Greg's right, women (and men) should not settle for less than top-notch behavior in a partner, but the alternate argument is also true and a more logical starting point: people should treat each other with kindness and decency.. especially if they are dating!

This leads to other thoughts/ questions... Why are women buying these books anyway? What drives Greg's assumption that most men are assholes and most women are (or should be) passive boyfriend hunters? In reality, who makes the most relationship decisions? Looking forward to your thoughts, gentle readers...

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Better To Have Loved Than Lost?

This statement is unequivocally false. For those of you wise women out there who have delved into He's Just Not Into You, the inspiration in many ways for this conversation, you should know I was dating a guy who was definitely into me. That is, until he dumped me. After five years of dating, planning a future together, growing up together, he decided that our relationship had "run its course" (yes, my ex, award winning newspaper editor could only muster up a line right out of Laguna Beach to tell me our relationship was over). Consumed with devastation and anger, the last words I said to him were that I never wanted to speak to him again, and I have not spoken to him since.

The reason I have been able to cut someone so central to my life out of it is not because of some super-human strength, but because I've found a much better companion for myself. Yes, after days and weeks and months of resigning myself to the fact that no one would ever love me again and that I would die alone with my cat I finally started to get to know someone who I felt the same comfort that my ex-boyfriend had given to me. Everyone told me that the solution to this breakup was to find someone; they said that I would fly over to Ireland and meet a nice Irish boy to replace the boy I thought was the love of my life. Well, had they spent even five minutes in an Irish bar they would have known better. No, the person I have found for myself is myself, just a better version of her.

Too often, women reach out for someone to help them through life's difficulties. This is often a great thing. I have realized that when I felt completely alone, I had friends and family who were there at all hours of the day and night to comfort me. Yet, the problem was that as much as I loved them, they could not fill the void of the person who was always by my side. The solution, I realized, was not looking for someone else, but getting what I needed from me.

The problem with the way women are socialized is that it depends so much on other people. We always want to bring a friend shopping because no matter how much that orange blouse looked hot in the store, you are not putting it on in public until someone else tells you it clears the bar. We are driven as hell when it comes to the workplace and women have now exceeded men academically in many facets graduate and undergraduate education—but do not ask me to have a confrontation with my roommate about doing the dishes. The insecurity around social confrontation is a total contrast to our collective behavior when it comes to success. For the most part, the people pleasing and accommodation tendencies women have when dealing with others is a positive thing: creating strong relationships and social networks. But, the problem is when it starts to crumble, the driven, academically motivated, woman is overcome by a devastated dependant girl, lost without her boyfriend.

Men are overwhelmingly more successful at meshing these two worlds of success and relationships. Dare I say, we should learn from them? There are times in life when you have to be selfish, even when it comes to the people you love. Learning to be selfish is one of the hardest things I have had to do, but it was by far the most rewarding. It is hard, at first, to realize what you really want. Of course, it seems like you just want your old life back, your boyfriend back, the stability he offered back, etc. But really, it takes all of a couple of days to realize any reconciliation would never compensate for the decision to end the relationship. Then the challenge becomes, what do I really want? What is the next step? And no one else can tell you that.

My new companion is great. She loves art and culture and is not afraid to ask questions about things she doesn't understand. She is a better friend; making a more concerted effort to reach out to those who she loves and foster new relationships. She takes time to talk to her family and never misses an opportunity to travel. She watches daytime television and works out because she likes to, not because she has to. She can cook and clean and sometimes sleeps until noon without feeling guilty that she missed the day. Oh, and thanks to some help from her friends, she even gets dressed up to go out.

It is never better to have loved and lost, it is better to love and learn. Not learning in the sense of finding lessons in your old relationship. The facts are simple: we are over, so I can start something new. When it comes to breakups we need to learn to be into ourselves because the only way to truly move past the devastation of loss is to gain something that is not dependant on someone else. I know now, that I may never meet someone again, so to that end I have to fill the voids in my life. We can't be that into the past anymore. We have to take the lessons that make us so successful in most aspects of life and translate them to all aspects of life.

We're just not that into you lesson: When you get a bad grade in school, yelled at by your boss, etc you do better next time. While on some level we want to blame the teacher for hating us, the boss for being a sexist, etc. On some level we know it is something we have to fix. Take your relationship ending in the same stride. Yes, he is an asshole for dumping you. Yes there are a million reasons and justifications for wanting to call him and know WHY and HOW and WHY again. But ultimately, you have to fix yourself-- and you can.

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The Story and the Purpose

We're just not that into you. That is right, all of you men and women out there telling us how to make our lives better. Oh, we don't hate you, or want to hurt you, in fact there are many of you that we love, like and trust. The thing is we just aren't THAT into you. While self-help books continuously top the best-seller list teaching women to be more self-confident, more sexy, less dependent on men-- other sources including the media and our education system, makes us feel insecure and desperate. The fact is, young women are getting mixed messages and in the process trying to be everything to everyone and anyone but themselves.


Our generation grew up being told to admire the single, successful career girl in our classrooms and to be petrified that we would become her among our friends. Women trying to play by "The Rules" of the current relationship advice genre are using a playbook seriously out of step with today's reality. Why, if we are actually empowered and equal should we be dependent on men to call us for dates, for sex, and for companionship? It's time to create a new way of thinking about relationships and friendships, one that celebrates our strength and solidarity as individuals and gives men more credit for being equal, reasonable, compassionate partners as well.

This blog is dedicated to changing the way we, as women, talk about our lives, goals, health and relationships. A dialogue that is not about extremes or telling you how to live, but rather a way to make us all feel comfortable in our own skin with your own goals. Staying home with the kids? Working 100 hour weeks? Women today are looking for answers from anywhere and anyone but themselves. Whatever it is...learn to be really into you. We're just not that into learning how to be someone else anymore.

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