Dating.com

"Writing these things is so awkward"; "just looking for a nice girl"; "want to share a laugh"; "someone smart, who can carry on a conversation"...When you first enter the online dating world you feel like you hit the jackpot. Here, gathered in one digital utopia are men who are looking for exactly what you are. They are not trying to get an easy lay, they are tired of the bar scene-- they have invested their hard earned wages in finding a match-- a girl like you. But when your match is only a click away...are you really any closer?

At first I was humiliated. Has it really come to this? After years of feeling like there were so many adorable, available men and if only I didnt have a boyfriend I could have my pick of them...has it really come to digital dating? No. I mean, the people who date online are creeps. They are losers who can't meet someone in the real world and revert to their dotcom fantasy world for fulfillment. It was a good friend raving about her boyfriend that changed my mind. He was smart, fun and sweet-- and she found him online. Try it--- she assured me: you get free dinners and drinks, you meet interesting people in a new city and if you don't like someone you can never click on them again.

It got me thinking, but I still was not convinced, so I went out. It took one night at a hot Manhattan bar to get me off the streets and online. After being asked why I went to college with tits like mine and being told that "once I go black I'll never go back" I decided to go back to my apartment and sign up to date online.

Being online is like shopping online. It is not real until you actually see the product at your door. At first it seems like a dream. You can scan profiles before deciding to 'chat' you can filter the losers and flirt with the cuties. You get "hotlisted" and adored. Emails await you in the morning to tell you how many men are "interested" in you. In seconds the world of dating becomes manageable--and fun. But then come the dates and you realize-- just like the hot men in bars can turn out to be assholes, the sweet guys online can disappoint as well.

Yet, while I have had my fair share of "interesting" dates, the biggest disappointment has been that none of them have been worth a second chance. Given infinite options and infinite opportunities-- given an environment where everyone is gathered for the sole purpose of meeting someone-- I still cannot seem to find the right guy. The digital dating world is not as different from the real world as I had hoped. Yes, I can delete the douchebags, but they can also delete me. Digital rejection stings like the real thing. And as I continue to meet men that disappoint, I start to wonder if this is as good as it gets. Maybe the myth of suitable men is nothing more than a cruel joke on women in our 20s. It should be obvious-- the online dating world thrives on the harshness of reality. So embrace your digital ice cream, ladies, because Ben and Jerry are the only sure thing.

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Babes in Boyland

"From the minute you walked in the joint, I could tell that you were a girl of distinction a real big spender..." The bow ties, cuff links and black speedos can only mean one thing: The Chippendales.

Oh yes, ladies for the bargain price of thirty dollars at the half price ticket booth in Vegas and a short shuttle ride off the strip you can spend an hour living a fantasy-- or many. A team of men with chiseled chests and flimsy tank tops will lip sync their way into your hearts (and minds) dressed as everything from cowboys to naval officers. All the while the bachelorette parties, birthday groups and the rest of us kinky chicks who don't need an excuse scream obscenities and enjoy the show.

There are a lot of male strip shows in Vegas, and after one night of the Chippendales, I was ready to try them all. Yet, the next night as my friend and I settled into our seats for American Storm, apparently they were on VH1 and now they are taking it off in the Stratosphere Hotel. We heard the same expectant screams and saw the same chiseled chests but the show fell flat. Sure, the guys were hot, but they missed the boat on stripping for the ladies-- we want you to take it off AND turn us on.

The Chippendales made me smile from the second I walked into the room. They approached their show with the sense of humor we all needed to justify being there in the first place. They played songs we all knew and loved, danced with us young ladies and gave the older ladies roses. The Chippendales are not strippers--they seducers. Their show is more than hot men dancing on a stage, but a complete seduction. I can rather confidently assert that every woman left that show with an amazing experience that we all wanted to remember (easily achieved with the many souvenirs in the gift shop you exit into after the show).

I am in my early twenties and meet my share of good-looking men. Chippendale quality bodies, but American Storm personalities. They come in strong with a "hey baby" and a confident smile that says they are eager to take it off, but have no idea how to turn me on. They have great lines about my eyes and my smile-- some less polished muscle men go straight for a 'nice tits' or 'you make me so hot'--but they don't get that I'm really smiling at the guy behind them rolling his eyes and looking at me as if to say 'need help?'

Watching hot men dance isn't worth the free drinks they offer if they aren't going to do it with a little personality. I think it is so easy for us ladies to make relatively attractive men dance, sing and anything else if they think it will get them laid. So what makes the Chippendales worth paying for is getting to enjoy the sexy without worrying about the sex. All the Chippendales expect in return for treating us like hot goddesses for an hour is that we tell our friends how amazing it is and our ticket fee. I'm glad to give them both. Go see the Chippendales and next time a guy expects you to take it off, tell him to turn you on.

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If You Want To Be My Lover

...You gotta get with my friends? Remember this line? Well, who knows what the Spice Girls were talking about-- but it raises an interesting question about how we see our lovers, friends and more interestingly our friends' lovers. I cannot count the amount of times I have listened to my friends complain about their significant other in a way that makes me want to scream 'why would you ever put up with this loser?' I see red flags where they see 'challenges' or worse 'bad habits.' Friends of mine have dated men with bad habits that range from making out with other girls to spending their meager salaries on weed. I wonder how all my friends developed the 'bad habit' of denial.

I often talk to my friends in relationships about the challenges of meeting a good man. They try to comfort me but it is hard for them to see past the great man in their life. The honest truth is, when I talk to my single friends we almost universally agree that we would never date any of our friends boyfriends. It is strange to think about people I am so compatible with dating people I cannot imagine being in a room with alone for more than thirty seconds without screaming. It is not always so drastic, but in almost every case I see things that I would never put up with and people that I would never want to sleep with. It is not as if all the great guys out there are taken, it is that all the girls who have taken guys think they are great.

I'm not talking here about disliking a 'jerk'. We all know the most important rule of friendship is never mention that you don't like the boyfriend. I broke this rule once six years ago and our friendship never fully recovered. I am talking about a guy who is a nice guy, but someone I would never dream of dating. I am talking about how I may envy the security of my friends' relationships but never the other person in the relationship. It perplexes me to see my friends with the men they choose.

So ladies with boyfriends relax. While you think he is a great catch, based on my conversations with countless single ladies, your friends do not. He may be a nice guy, a good guy for you, treat you well, etc. but we don't want him. Maybe that is why we are still single...

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Father's Day

Father's Day is a welcome reminder to celebrate the important men in your life. Whether that man is your father or someone who has inspired, guided and motivated you-- Father's Day serves to show the important role men serve in who we are and will become. Yet, it is also important to explore, for young 20 something women, what it means now to be a father. In the New York Times an article called When Mom and Dad Share it All discusses the importance of men and women playing equal roles instead of conceptualizing them. The article argues that while in many surveys and conversations both men and women will say they believe family obligations should be gender neutral, the truth is that women are still contributing disproportionately to traditional 'female' household roles. The article seems to show that while women still face difficult challenges in family life, the challenge of being a father now, is less loving and caring for your children, but balancing the stigma that often comes with it.

In a wonderful book called I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson, the character, Kate Reddy finds herself in a board room late for work and covered in saliva. She is late because her six-month old baby was sick, but knows that she cannot tell her colleagues at the risk of seeming unable to perform her duties as both mother and investment banker. As she sits in the board room she hears a male colleague tell their boss that he was leaving early that day because his son had a Little League game. The response was a a doting smile and murmurs about what a great Dad he was for seeing his son. As Kate and the reader fume, it is important to take a step back and wonder men still have the luxury.

The article would imply they do not. The underlying issue of male and female equality is less that men don't want it and more that they cannot face it. Women justifiably complain of the issues faced by Kate Reddy: being the best mother and the best employee--oh and make it look easy. Yet, men have complaints in this department too. When their wives are smart, successful, women in the working world they have to find a way of balancing the supportive husband while living up to the male dominance of the world they were raised in. It is hard for men to look at their father's generation who were expected to be the bread-winners and find themselves falling short of that role and falling into the traditional homemaker. While women feel the need to achieve at unprecedented levels and be the best of all worlds, men today have to figure out what their new world should look like. They need to find a balance between the men they were raised to be and the men they will have to be.

I know many intelligent, successful men who want desperately to be wonderful fathers. Not just fathers-- they want to be wonderful fathers. While many of the smart successful women I know question the value of children in their life and their ability to face the challenges children present, most of the men I talk to feel up to the task. Though when pushed about their willingness to stay home, to sacrifice their success, their social lives, etc. they insist it is what they want, but with less of a glow. I do not think these men are superficial, thinking that a baby sounds fun and not weighing the work involved, but rather, they have yet to be exposed to the world that women are groomed for: balancing babies and business. They were not raised to think about the challenges of families and housework because their father's, for the most part, were not playing that role.

In this sense, men who will become our children's fathers have a lot to learn from the women of our generation. The article in the New York Times laments the fact that the women of our generation still face the balancing act that our mother's did, but I feel that it is this balancing act that allows us to teach our husbands and children the challenges of family. These men are willing, in theory, to make the sacrifices necessary to be the wonderful father's they want to be. It is now up to the women to work with them to make it a reality. I have been in many jobs where my boss is overworked because she will not teach me to do something she 'can just do herself' leaving her overloaded and me free to explore other things. In many senses, this is what happens in families. I know how to balance my life, I was raised to do it, therefore teaching my significant other--fighting about it with him-- is just not worth it. Yet, we are at the point where the attitudes of men not only allow us to change household dynamics but demand we do. For to be the wonderful fathers they want to be, they will have to learn from both parents how its done.

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Redefining 'Strong Woman'

Since I can remember I have been hearing what it means to be a strong woman. Whether it be relatives or role models I have heard so many women described for their incredible strength. In every situation I remember this strength was emotional. Women who stood up for what was right, who fought through difficult times and who challenged unjust norms were all strong women. When I am called a strong woman, it is because of my personality. Stubbornness, forceful arguments and reactions to trying situations make me strong. Yet, I cannot help but think it is time to look to really strong women by the weight she lifts instead of the burdens she faces.

Healthy living has been a fixation of women for centuries. Mothers have passed down secrets of how to cure the common cold, a stomach bug or what to do for that awful zit before prom. Women, perhaps because of maternal instinct and in modern times due to vanity have always been consumed with the best way to foster healthy and happy lifestyles for themselves and their children. It is worth acknowledging that the forces that once brought vegetables to young children are now appeasing them with candy bars. Obesity has reached such high levels in the Western world that the health concerns linked to smoking are nearly dwarfed by those of being overweight. Mothers and fathers now are more concerned with their child's happiness than their well-being.

This time I want to celebrate women who are strong. I noticed it last week in class I take at my gym called Bodytone. Unlike the regular aerobics or tummy classes the gym offers this class is devoted to weight-lifting. While few women will brave the weight room at the gym, the overstuffed class on Monday nights is full of women who want to get stronger. In all shapes and sizes women flock to this class because it teaches us to build muscle, and the type of strength women need to start to celebrate as much if not more than the emotional strength we have celebrated for so long.

Being strong and healthy is one of the more difficult things the achieve. With life demanding so much of our emotional strength it is hard to find time for the physical. Yet, the physical is so important to fostering the development of the next generation. As women become more independent we also have to learn to be strong. To face moving boxes or walking stairs the way we face our fears and burdens will allow for the next generation of women to value their physical strength for more than vanity, but necessity.

So even though it is summer and it makes us all want to shape-up for bikinis and short shorts, try to look at the importance of being strong for more than just the way you look, but who you are. View exercise and health as more than a means to the perfectly flat tummy but the years of life that you want to have in the end and the ability to be prepared for the challenges that face you. Get lifting, get stronger--it does a mind good to have a strong body.

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Turning On 'Getting Off'

My vibrator is out of batteries. This realization hit me last night after a particularly raunchy television show (to each their own). I found myself desperately searching my room for another battery operated device to be sacrificed but found myself cursing the overwhelming presence of rechargeable items in my apartment. The loss of my vibrator was a moment of true weakness. After months of lacking a sexual partner I have become dependent on sexual pleasure. Without my vibrator I felt a serious low-- one that made me realize how important that orgasm really is to my sanity and frankly, how I get turned on knowing I'll be getting off.

I mentioned my tragic loss at happy hour the next day to my lovely lady friends who range from religiously celibate to practically engaged to, well, those who view sex as something to be served with breakfast, lunch and dinner-- no matter who the waiter is. With one exception, everyone felt my pain. Despite having men frequently, having intimate relationships or even a moral repugnance to premarital sex every single one of the ladies used a vibrator. It struck me, having clinged to my vibrator only to overcome my recent lack of sex, that even girls who were having frequent sex with men felt at a complete loss without their own mechanism for as my friend called it "the orgasm you couldn't fake if you wanted to."

Yet, for some reason the vibrator has been seen as a tool for the lonely --as something women who cannot have a man have to use to meet our single sexual needs. The problem is that when women who are involved in sexual relationships are still using it, there needs to be a new discussion about how getting off has become more of an issue than getting some. Women, for the most part, have accepted that they will not get off every time they have sex. Women have to view sex as less a gamble and even more often a challenge. Men's egos have to be stroked more often than their dicks-- so when a woman finds herself in the throws of a sex that isn't going to get her there, she has to weigh the fake against the inevitable insecurity and often frustration that follows. Yet, the vibrator shows that women do care about getting off and have found the vibrator the relationship-saving compromise as opposed to the single woman's weapon of choice.

For some reason there is still a stigma that follows discussion of vibrators, dildos and sex toys to get women off. The problem is that men are not always so great at it. If women could view sex as men do-- varying in intensity of the result instead of the absence of it-- I would not see it as the problem it is. Women statistically will not get orgasms from pure vaginal stimulation, they will not get off from sex and they will not tell men when they are just doing something wrong. This combination of factors means that making discussions and usage of vibrators okay is an important step in making sex better. Practice makes perfect, ladies. You can't expect men to teach you what you like and how you like it. You have to know. They best way to get to know yourself is to embrace your own sexuality, masturbation and good vibrations.

So after a quick run to the convenience store across the block I am getting back on my getting off. You all should get on it too, because nothing is as big as a turn on as knowing that at the end of the road, instead of the big fake you will get the big O.

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How Casual Are You Really?

I'm a secret Modern Love addict. I read the NYTimes columns on a regular basis, but especially during times of love-life insecurities, I seek out these first-person narratives on dating, love, and sex. Reading other people's strange takes on love in modernity makes me feel less strange. Key word searching for my dilemma of the moment brings me internet solidarity; key word searching for worst case scenarios brings me a sense of relief. Finding modern love is difficult, joining forces with an army of similarly minded young singles helps me to (ahem) celebrate singleness and ruminate on togetherness, and otherwise just accept whatever the hell this is that's called "dating."

I especially liked the winner of the College Essay contest, Marguerite Fields. (Quick pause so you can click here and read her well-written, poignant, thoughtful essay.)

Marguerite's story sounded a lot like many of my own. She's talking about "dating" (if you want to call it that) in a culture deeply ambivalent about commitment. She doesn't want to place "expectations" upon anyone else, but she's a little lost about how to navigate an expectation-less social tapestry. Because the way we conceptualize courtship and dating is based primarily on unspoken expectations, once these thought constructs are gone, knowing where to go next is pretty tricky. Whether these thought constructs can ever really disappear is up for debate.

I don't mean to defend the traditional, patriarchal mode of dating. I don't advocate playing by the rules, nor do I think a woman should let a man pay, hold the door, igrovel to be next to her etc... My point is that while we're debating whether or not a man should pay, just getting men to deem it necessary to do more than simply send a text message is almost impossible. I think too often, people romantically involved treat each other worse than they would treat their friends, and that's the main problem. For some reason, once entered into the realm of "relationship" no matter how casual, the odds of things becoming socially strange (in the situations Marguerite and I have dated in) go up fast.

I don't have a take away or lesson, except for this. I think it's really important to know whether you can handle a deeply ambivalent relationship. If carefree and casual is for you, that's great, but don't saddle your friends with unremitting complaints about a non-committal partner, if he's never led you to think he was anything but that. Greg's original message "He's just not that into you." is wrong in placing all the relationship agency in the hands of men, but he's not wrong in helping women identify men unlikely to submit to even the simplest demands of friendship. IF he's not a good friend, he's not a good lover. Leave him (or take the best parts of him and try to practice zen-like non-attachment. I'm not sure which is better.)

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