Father's Day is a welcome reminder to celebrate the important men in your life. Whether that man is your father or someone who has inspired, guided and motivated you-- Father's Day serves to show the important role men serve in who we are and will become. Yet, it is also important to explore, for young 20 something women, what it means now to be a father. In the New York Times an article called When Mom and Dad Share it All discusses the importance of men and women playing equal roles instead of conceptualizing them. The article argues that while in many surveys and conversations both men and women will say they believe family obligations should be gender neutral, the truth is that women are still contributing disproportionately to traditional 'female' household roles. The article seems to show that while women still face difficult challenges in family life, the challenge of being a father now, is less loving and caring for your children, but balancing the stigma that often comes with it.
In a wonderful book called I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson, the character, Kate Reddy finds herself in a board room late for work and covered in saliva. She is late because her six-month old baby was sick, but knows that she cannot tell her colleagues at the risk of seeming unable to perform her duties as both mother and investment banker. As she sits in the board room she hears a male colleague tell their boss that he was leaving early that day because his son had a Little League game. The response was a a doting smile and murmurs about what a great Dad he was for seeing his son. As Kate and the reader fume, it is important to take a step back and wonder men still have the luxury.
The article would imply they do not. The underlying issue of male and female equality is less that men don't want it and more that they cannot face it. Women justifiably complain of the issues faced by Kate Reddy: being the best mother and the best employee--oh and make it look easy. Yet, men have complaints in this department too. When their wives are smart, successful, women in the working world they have to find a way of balancing the supportive husband while living up to the male dominance of the world they were raised in. It is hard for men to look at their father's generation who were expected to be the bread-winners and find themselves falling short of that role and falling into the traditional homemaker. While women feel the need to achieve at unprecedented levels and be the best of all worlds, men today have to figure out what their new world should look like. They need to find a balance between the men they were raised to be and the men they will have to be.
I know many intelligent, successful men who want desperately to be wonderful fathers. Not just fathers-- they want to be wonderful fathers. While many of the smart successful women I know question the value of children in their life and their ability to face the challenges children present, most of the men I talk to feel up to the task. Though when pushed about their willingness to stay home, to sacrifice their success, their social lives, etc. they insist it is what they want, but with less of a glow. I do not think these men are superficial, thinking that a baby sounds fun and not weighing the work involved, but rather, they have yet to be exposed to the world that women are groomed for: balancing babies and business. They were not raised to think about the challenges of families and housework because their father's, for the most part, were not playing that role.
In this sense, men who will become our children's fathers have a lot to learn from the women of our generation. The article in the New York Times laments the fact that the women of our generation still face the balancing act that our mother's did, but I feel that it is this balancing act that allows us to teach our husbands and children the challenges of family. These men are willing, in theory, to make the sacrifices necessary to be the wonderful father's they want to be. It is now up to the women to work with them to make it a reality. I have been in many jobs where my boss is overworked because she will not teach me to do something she 'can just do herself' leaving her overloaded and me free to explore other things. In many senses, this is what happens in families. I know how to balance my life, I was raised to do it, therefore teaching my significant other--fighting about it with him-- is just not worth it. Yet, we are at the point where the attitudes of men not only allow us to change household dynamics but demand we do. For to be the wonderful fathers they want to be, they will have to learn from both parents how its done.
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